Next thing you know you'll be swimmin with the fishes

Dear Little Fleshy Human,
Please, for the love of God, do not:

•pull out my fur and then eat it
•chew on my ears
•sit, stand or crawl on me
•grab my flesh and squeeze until I squeal
•take my toys while I'm chewing on them and then offer them back to me like you're Santa Claus
•disturb me while I'm sleeping
•throw things at me, unless it's food
•believe that you are anything but a play toy to me
•pull on my collar until I turn blue
•scream at me...seriously, you're scary and I don't understand you
•suck on my paws

Sincerely,
The Dog